Smooth – Are you datable?

It’s Saturday night and you’re cradling the jumbo bag of Doritos, remote in hand with enough empty beer bottles to start your own booth at the next fair. You ask yourself the same old question. “What does she see in him?” Is he really smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy?

The answer is much more simple than you think. You see, “He” is confident. He believes in himself. Sure you have a great job, nice car and maybe even own your own home. You sound like a great catch on paper. The problem is mating instincts are primal. Ever wonder why big booties are all the rage? The answer is birthing hips. See, it’s primal. Logic has no place in the dating world.

Choosing a mate is rarely ever done with careful planning. Something in our hardwire tells us to find the one we would do battle with. If you’re going to wage a war on this thing called life you choose the mate with confident stance and sword drawn. He is a bit narcissistic but never needs coddling. This is a recipe for disaster should wedding bells ring but she is not thinking that far ahead. Honestly, she is not thinking at all. Something in her center draws her to him like bears to honey.

Your answer in a nutshell: Confidence is sexy. So, ditch the Netflix and hit the gym. Throw on some leather, rev your engine and grunt. This is why she dates the “Bad Boys”.

*All above opinions have not been scientifically researched nor proven to be true. Said scientists were last seen in the gym flexing and grunting.

Daily Prompt: Smooth

Single

Single. There was a time in my twenties this word would have terrified me. Now, I am embracing it. Relationships, I’ve had a few. I use to regret some but know I’m thankful for the experience. Oh sure, I probably could have lived without ever having a gun pointed at me or having someone spit in my face but even those weren’t all bad. No one is all bad.
Today I am happy. No one yells at me. No one tells me what I can or can’t do. I am flying solo and finding a little peace on earth.
I amaze myself daily. I take on projects now knowing that there is no one to back me up. Yes, it’s scary sometimes but you just keep moving forward.
Today I can laugh at some of the crazy things I did in an effort to please a man:

1. Stumble to the kitchen every morning for years because he can’t possibly arise without an obsequious woman serving him coffee in bed.
2. Give up gum because any woman who pops a piece of Wrigleys is obviously a “gum smacking whore.”
3. Glaze 45 windows because he can’t do repetition.
4. Pick up an exconvict from a 10 year stay in a maximum security prison. (I know, I was shocked when he informed me of this duty.)
5. Pour a concrete sidewalk around the house by myself because his back was out.
6. Process three deer in one day.
7. Can tomatoes from 45 tomato plants. Seriously, that’s about nine hundred pounds of tomatoes.
8. Make 7 different banana puddings in an effort to find one that pleases him. As you can guess, none were perfect enough.

The list may be endless but my willingness to participate was not. I guess I always believed if I tried hard enough the sun would shine on me. Well, suck it up buttercup because “fair” is a place for cotton candy and monkey poop.

Divorce, tattoos and bliss

I prefer to say I’m single instead of divorced. Divorced sounds so broken. I am not broken. I was. I felt like shattered glass. I refuse to lie in peices. I took the broken shards and fused them. Now I’m a Tiffany!

Wattensaw, AR

The importance of pee mail

Pearl: There’s a dog across the street! GO AWAY BLACK DOG!

Me: Pearl hush.

Pearl: DAWG! BLACK! ACROSS THE STREET! DO SOMETHING!

Me: Pearl, he’s not even in our yard. Calm down.

Pearl: He’s PEEING! Oh my dawg! He’s peeing across the street and you’re just sitting there like you don’t have a care in the world. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?

Me: Pearl, quit yelling at me. He’s not hurting anything.

Pearl: How can you say that? He has left pee mail everywhere. Quick! Get me some water! I gotta make more pee.

Me: You’re joking right?

Pearl: Does this look like my happy face? I’ve got lots of work to do now. The pee mail is all wrong.

*10 minutes later*

Pearl: So you see Officer, I obviously had no choice. My legs are only 4 inches long so it’s hard to pee that high. She could have easily helped with the pee mail but would she? NO! Besides, just look at my precious little paws. Do these look like the kind of paws that could have tied her shoe laces together and watched her drop like a rock? I THINK NOT! (You should paw print Jasper though. He has beady eyes.)

Let’s put dead stuff on the wall.

Meet Ted. E. Bear. He lives above my mantel with two of his friends. Do you ever wonder who the first guy was to stuff a dead animal and bring it in the house? How did that conversation even happen?

“Hey Bobby Jack, I just kilt this here critter and I was a thinkin. It aint good enough to just eat the meat. Lets stuff this sucker and hang his head on the wall.”

How did Bobby Jack talk his wife into letting him do this? “Now Ethel, you know you’re meaner than an Ol’ snake and I just thought it be right nice to have a happy face in this house.”

I’m pretty sure it’s a requirement to keep dead things in the house when you live in Arkansas. It only turns strange when you start to dress them up. Ok, so Ted does enjoy his santa hat at Christmas and has been known to wear garland like a feather boa.

Where do we go from here? Next thing you know we’ll be stuffin’ Uncle Earl and settin’ him at the dinner table.

Don’t read this!

What are you doing? You’re reading this aren’t you. Someone will know. You’re such a rebel. Rule breaker! You might as well keep going now. I feel I must tell you though, these are minutes of your life that you can’t get back. Somewhere in your heart you just know there will be a life changing bit of knowledge in here. Your vested now. There is no turning back.

DON’T SCROLL DOWN! Didn’t think I would notice you skipping ahead? Seriously, can you just try to be good for once.

Ok, so here it is. Shame, failure, my little secret. I saw a post on facebook that said “If you love your Mother, share this post in 2 seconds.” I didn’t do it. I didn’t. I hesitated. Then I just didn’t do it. I know, how do I sleep at night? Yesterday I didn’t love Jesus in 10 seconds. How do I live with myself? How can I go on with this sham I’m living?

Will I burn in hell now? Is there hope for my recovery? I fear I may have crossed a line that I cannot return from. If you see my vacant soul roaming the streets please return it to my husband. He is hungry and out of clean undies now.

 

Last Day

It’s your last day on earth. How do you spend yours? I want to spend mine in a room full of puppies.

I think I smell fall

Good morning world. It’s a fabulous day and Pearl thinks we should go play. I’m a little leery since lately I can’t seem to step outside with causing injury to myself. I think I’ll cover myself in bubble wrap.
We are having our first “cool snap” of the year. Ok, so it’s going to be in the 80’s all week but that’s cool to me. I’ve opened up the house and time to get some cleaning done so I can go play. Y’all have a most fabulous day!

Just go buy one. I promise it will fit.

Things I learned today:

1. A 9.5 foot kayak will fit in my car.
2. Windshields’ don’t budge when shoving 9.5 foot kayaks in your car.
3. Never listen to my husband.

Me: Do you think it’s safe to drive like this?

Husband: Why sure, you’ll just get a bit of wind that’s all.

Me: Ok, if you say so.

Husband: When you get home put mine in there too.

Me: ………….

Husband: Really, it will fit.

Me: …………