Monthly Archives: January 2014

TBBTIF? TGIF? Oh hell, it’s Friday Y’all!

Wag it like you just don't care.

Wag it like you just don’t care.

Happy Friday y’all! Not that it matters when you’re unemployed but I thought I’d jump on the TGIF bandwagon. What do atheists say on Friday? Thank-big-bang-theory-its-Friday? It just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

I keep getting my days confused. When all else fails I look at my computer for the answer. It always knows todays date. Ok, so I then have to go to a calendar to see which day of the week this date falls on but I have a system. How do retired people do it?

I do have a job interview on Tuesday. This is interview number two in the last four weeks. They’re not exactly knocking down my door. Maybe I shouldn’t have listed my ability to touch my nose with my tongue as an attribute. I’m also double jointed in my elbows. Definitely should have listed that one. Elbows that turn all the way around could be used as entertainment at office parties.

It was my own fault that I didn’t get the job at the first position I interviewed for. The interview went great but when they called me back in for the final pick I made a grave mistake. I asked a question about the phone system in front of all of the potential applicants. This may not seem like a bad idea at first. When my would-be-boss looked at me with a blank smile I realized that I had just asked her something she did not know the answer to. Yep, made her look like a moron in front of her boss who was standing nearby. No brownie points there.

Never fear. My super powers will be realized soon and I will turn a mediocre company into the Fortune 500 it was meant to be. I wonder if they’ll have a place for me to park my unicorn?

Runny nose? Quick! Press it to my windows.

You can quickly identify the homes with children from the smell of crayons and chicken nuggets. Maybe even some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese wafting through the air.

You can quickly identify the homes with dogs and cats by the nose art in the windows. (You thought I was going to say something about the smell of dogs but I’ll have you know that I bathe my babies in floral body wash with conditioners for their sensitive doggie skin. Don’t judge me.)

I was sitting at my desk when I looked out the window at a noise I heard but the view was blurry. Nope, not my glasses. It’s nose art. You can clean nose art daily to no avail. When a squirrel passes by, both Chihuahuas walk the window sill to terrify the creature into submission. This can only be done with noses pressed against the glass.

When my cat gets bored she walks the window sill to stare at the world. This also can only be done with the nose pressed against the glass. Thankfully the dogs can only reach the huge window in the living room. The cat on the other hand likes to bless every window in the house. I think it’s the smell of Windex that attracts them. It certainly doesn’t deter them. I think it’s a conspiracy to push me over the edge. I imagine them huddling in the den sniffing black pepper so they can run and rub snot on my windows. It’s all an evil Chihuahua plot and I am the victim here. Just once I’d like to gaze at the sun through snot free windows.

100_0465Accomplice #1 Mattie the snotty kitty. Weight 16lbs. Height according to evidence 12″.

chillinAccomplice #2 Pearly Girl the nosy bandit. Weight 6lbs. Height according to evidence 10″. Just look at the devious nature in those eyes!

Accomplice #3 Sir Jasper Weight 5lbs Height according to evidence 9″.Jasper

Yes, he is declaring his innocence but I will not fall for that one again!

Watch out and beware! This evil trio may be coming to a window near you.

Do you hate?

I don’t think I have the capacity to hate. Sure, there are folks that I don’t care for. I find myself staying away from places they may frequent but hate? No, I just don’t have it in me to do that. There have been times that I thought I had hate. I carried anger in my pocket so I might wield it like a sword but it didn’t last. Anger slips through my fingers when I remember my own mistakes. Anger makes me feel guilty for casting judgment.

Anger wells up inside me when I see others begging for sympathy. I don’t know why. Weakness angers me. Cries for pity make my blood boil. I’m sure my Shrink could spend hours delving into that one.

Something terrible happened to me as a teen. Do I hate him? No, I pity him. Is this strange?

I don’t like anger. I don’t like hate. I wish to keep them at bay. I avoid situations where they may arise.

Bipolar Kitty

100_0465Pretty, soft, fuzzy kitty….isn’t she sweet? Don’t let her fool you. My family is scared of my cat. When they walk in the door she is all “Meow, I’m so sweet. I’ll allow you to pet me now.” BUT, when they give her a scratch between the ears they are allowed precisely two scratches then she bites the holy hell out of them. Sweet kitty….

Sometimes I find her sleeping in the strangest places. I can understand a cat that looks for a cozy cupboard or the dark corner of a closet but not my sweet kitty. I often find her sleeping in the middle of the hallway with all four feet in the air. I don’t think cats are supposed to sleep on their backs. Usually you can hear her snoring across the house. Well, it may be the paint she’s sucking off the walls that I hear.

How did she get so fat? This feline is seriously obese. When she runs she has the two fat pockets in front of her hind legs that swing in rhythm. It’s kind of funny but it’s begun to be a problem. You see, she can no longer reach her butt to clean it. She is so fat that she often falls over trying to bathe herself. She sit’s with rear leg hiked high towards the ceiling and just licks air because she can’t reach anything.

I know, “Watch her diet”. I measure her food. I swear I do. I don’t know where she’s eating. I’d swear she was walking to McDonalds for some fries but there is no way she’ll exert that much energy. Maybe she has the Dairy Bar on speed dial….

Where everybody knows your name.

keo (2)Have you ever lived in a small town? I mean a really small town. I’ve lived in several but I think I lived in the town of Keo, Arkansas the longest. The population there is around 256 (providing no one passed on today.)

Knowing everyone’s business happens whether you really want to or not. Once you’ve been told you can’t un-remember. It makes it harder to greet them at the post office without thinking about it. The thing is though; they know all your dark secrets too. So it’s best to keep your mouth shut and crack your biggest smile.

You may be thinking that you don’t really have any dark secrets. Oh, you do. You’d realize it if 256 people knew about them. Suddenly they become bigger than they really are. In a way it’s like being a celebrity with paparazzi exposing you all the time. As soon as you do something stupid you know it’s going through the grapevine faster than a pig through slop.

If you sneeze you’ll be on the prayer list before you can grab a Kleenex.

Going on vacation? Yep, that’s going to be printed in the local paper. That shit is NEWS.

Getting a divorce? Yeah, we all know because your ex is selling your stuff in the front yard. (I swear I didn’t buy any.)

Have a fight with the Missus? Yep, we know and we’re pretty sure she’s right. We’ve seen the way you just leave your stuff laying around in the yard. Can’t imagine the kind of messes you make in the house.

Decide to do some renovations? Nosy Nelly will knock on your door and blatantly ask “What cha buildin’?”

Have an unknown visitor? After they’ve called the grapevine with no luck they will just walk on over and ask “Who was that?” This comes in handy though when you’re out of town. They will walk up to any stranger parked at your house and request the nature of their visit.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Small towns are wonderful. We stick together in case we have to stand up to them LRP’s (Little Rock People). Yes, that’s what we call them. They’re a different kind of species than us. They’re prone to park willy nilly on our city streets and that’s just askin’ for a war. They may even pull up in front of your barn like they own the dang place.

You see, Keo has the best eatin’ place around for nigh unto 50 miles. The LRP’s love to come bask in the nostalgia of Charlotte’s Eats and Sweets and get a slice of that mile high pie. I don’t blame them none. I’m partial to the Italian Cream Cake myself. Their business is very welcome. It’s their parking abilities that set us on edge. This aint Little Rock. We know every car in town and we know when you aint from around here.

Then there’s Morris Antiques. Who’d a thought you could buy priceless jewels of walnut and oak at this place that barely even shows up on the map? If you got a mansion to fill I guarantee you can find the furniture to fill it right here.

So, you may be asking you’re self: “Now, why on earth did you move from such a wonderful little town like that.” Well, the truth is I do so much stupid stuff I decided to go hide in a town of 4,000 people. When you’re bi-polar and prone to fits of idiocy it’s best to blend in with the nuts.

Bob Wyer?

barbed-wire-fenceI was crossing through a fence the other day and it occurred to me that I have never heard that fence referred to by it’s proper name. Ever. In fact, if someone tried to enunciate “barbed wire” I’d probably giggle. They have always been bob wyer fences. The “wyer” makes sense because we love to throw extra syllables into words but I’m not sure how “barbed” got shortened to “bob”.

You can actually test the ability of a man to be a good husband by simply passing through a bob wyer fence with him. If he holds up the top strand of wire for you then you have a keeper. If not you better just leave that redneck in the woods. A real gentleman always holds up the top strand of wire for his sweetheart to pass through less she catch her clothing on one of those barbs.

Granted, if you are passing through a bob wyer fence you are most likely trespassing. These fences usually mark property boundaries and keep in the livestock but cutting through the woods is a whole lot faster than following the road.

It’s funny that it took me 43 years to notice how we were abusing the words “barbed wire”. Not too surprising though since I was in my 30’s the first time I figured out that the word “surprise” has an “r” before the “p”. Who says sur-prise? No one that I know.

Somewhere in Arkansas (We don’t have a town in these parts.)

100_0470This is me standing in the middle of Akins Creek Road. Now, I know if you’re city folk this just aint gonna make any sense to you. The thing is, folks in these parts don’t care too much for visitors. In fact, they care so little for visitors that the road in here is kept in disrepair to discourage any would-be site seers. 100_0478

The road is one vehicle wide so if you meet another truck it is necessary to determine who is gonna have to back up the furthest so y’all can pass.

100_0494You’ll find this sign posted in several areas as you travel down this road. I take them at their word so I’m careful not to step off the road even though sometimes it get’s confusing.

Don’t get me wrong. The people here are really nice just as long as you stay on your property. Why just this morning the nearest neighbors stopped by with a mason jar of corn squeezins’ and offered us a snort. I decided to pass since I could smell the stuff from six foot away and did not feel the need to cleanse my colon at 9:00 am on a Sunday morning.

100_0497Neighbors are few and far between up here. That tin roof down in the holler is typical here. If you’re looking for a brick ranch style home then you’ve come to the wrong place. To the city dweller I suppose this place would be assumed condemned but not here. This is the norm.

100_0485There is normally at least 100 acres between neighbors. Since some are still using out-houses this is a very good thing.  There are rocks the size of cars in here and evidence of deer and coyote everywhere.

I was clambering up and down these hills when it occurred to me that maybe these folks aint so dumb after all. 100_0477Nature rambles here without much interference from modern conveniences. I suppose if it were easily accessible our state would turn it into a park for thousands of people to traipse though. Not that I’m against state parks. They are wonderful. It’s just nice to see nature win sometimes.

100_0480100_0482100_0500

I can confirm, bears do in fact shit in the woods.

Aint he cute? Yep, that sucker is hanging out right behind the cabin.

Aint he cute? Yep, that sucker is hanging out right behind the cabin.

I’m headed to the “Secluded Mountain Hideaway” this afternoon. Ok, so its a rustic cabin in the woods but my husband prefers it’s other title. He also refers to it as the “Tar Paper Taj Mahal”. Yes, I have been officially invited. Though we have been married for 15 years, my presence at the cabin that “we” bought is by invitation only. I suppose it wouldn’t be much of a man cave if women just showed up whenever they wanted to now would it?
Any who…. I shall go commune with nature. The bears have laid down for their long winters nap so not much chance of seeing them. I think I will do some hiking though. I finally bought myself some rubber boots since you have to cross the creek seven times just to hike down the road. No, I wouldn’t dare drive a vehicle of mine down there but some folks do. They’re good folks but it’s not likely that you’ll ever run into one of them at the mall. These are hill folk. They may give you a jar of preserves for Christmas and they stop to say howdy every time they go into town to stock up on the staples. It’s good to know country folk. They won’t do you much good if you’re looking to climb any social ladders but in the event of a natural disaster these folks will most definitely survive.
So, I’m off to fire up the wood stove and hope the sun warms the water tank enough for a shower. Ok, so the shower is located outside and this is rain water that we are warming but even Sacagawea took a bath.

When did they get old?

Chillin with her 80 year old Auntie V

Chillin with her 80 year old Auntie V

“So, how long did it take you to get here?”

“About 2 ½ hours.”

“I didn’t know you had two dogs.”

“Yes, I’ve had them a while.”

“So, how long did it take you to get here?”

“About 2 ½ hours.”

“I didn’t know you had two dogs.”

“Yes, I have two dogs.

“Where are you living now?”

“Just outside of Little Rock.”

“Oh yes, I remember that. I didn’t know you had two dogs.”

“Yes, I have two dogs.”

“So how long did it take you to get here?”

“About 2 ½ hours.”

“Oh.”

You have to laugh or you will cry. I did have a great visit with my Aunt and Uncle today despite the repetitive questions. They did remember who I was. Sometimes you never know. It’s hard to believe that these are the people I spent my summers with as a child. I used to think I wanted to live well into my eighties but now I’m not so sure. Uncle C is a walking skeleton while Aunt T appears to be physically healthy. She had a great time playing in the floor with Pearl. How can you not smile at an old woman crawling around on the floor with a Chihuahua and giggling like a little girl?

Life keeps happening whether we’re moving or standing still. The generations roll on. Tomorrow we will celebrate the second birthday of a child from the youngest generation in this family.

It won’t be long before we have to bury the oldest generation.

I think I’m stuck somewhere in the middle. Sometimes it feels like I’m watching from a window.

If You Don’t Post This On Your Facebook Page It Means You Want Me To Die

I’m scared not to re-blog this. It may mean that I don’t love Jesus or handicapped children will all die.

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

Not counting Freshly Pressed, this is the post that gets the most views on this blog. It’s clear that the topic is one of grave concern for all, so I’m reposting as a public service.

You’re welcome.

I have a friend who uses Facebook almost exclusively for emotional blackmail.

When I say “friend”, I mean in the new Facebook sense.  This is someone I barely remember from high school, and whose friend request I stupidly approved when I first signed up and didn’t know any better.

I used to think the most annoying thing about Facebook was the constant requests for boosters, billy goats, or some other cyber crap from those who spend their days playing Farmville or Candy Crush Saga.  Now I realize that the emotionally needy “friend” is much worse.

Almost every day, my friend’s status updates appear on my Home Page bearing a new friendship litmus test.  She posted all the…

View original post 906 more words