Tag Archives: animals

The importance of pee mail

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Pearl: There’s a dog across the street! GO AWAY BLACK DOG!

Me: Pearl hush.

Pearl: DAWG! BLACK! ACROSS THE STREET! DO SOMETHING!

Me: Pearl, he’s not even in our yard. Calm down.

Pearl: He’s PEEING! Oh my dawg! He’s peeing across the street and you’re just sitting there like you don’t have a care in the world. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?

Me: Pearl, quit yelling at me. He’s not hurting anything.

Pearl: How can you say that? He has left pee mail everywhere. Quick! Get me some water! I gotta make more pee.

Me: You’re joking right?

Pearl: Does this look like my happy face? I’ve got lots of work to do now. The pee mail is all wrong.

*10 minutes later*

Pearl: So you see Officer, I obviously had no choice. My legs are only 4 inches long so it’s hard to pee that high. She could have easily helped with the pee mail but would she? NO! Besides, just look at my precious little paws. Do these look like the kind of paws that could have tied her shoe laces together and watched her drop like a rock? I THINK NOT! (You should paw print Jasper though. He has beady eyes.)

Wisdom from Pearl

IMG_1043 Mornin’ Y’all! Pearl woke me up at 6:30 this morning with slobbery kisses. She had determined that I had slept too long. She’s pretty sure she knows what’s best for me.
 IMG_1231Yesterday I took the chi’s for a long walk down main street. As usual we bumped into complete strangers that Pearl insisted should scratch behind her ears as in accordance with the prophecy. So, I got to thinking. (I know, it’s a dangerous path for me to take.) Anyway, how does this silly little dog manage to be adored by complete strangers? What is it about her that makes the neighbor’s kid jump the fence to come pet her?

I think it’s because she knows when to keep her mouth shut. (A trait I have yet to master.) Sure she whines when she’s hungry or needs to potty but she never makes small talk. I see her thinking sometimes. She’ll just stare into space and I would love to know what is going through her little brain but she never shares. She keeps her private thoughts to herself. You can never disagree with her views as she will not tell you what they are.

Life would probably be better if I were more like Pearl. Just keep my trap shut and greet everyone like they were the best thing I’ve seen all day.  It only takes a wag of her tail to make people smile.

Yesterday an old man pulled to a screeching halt in the middle of the road. He rolled down his window and yelled “How much will you take for one of them?” I responded “About 3 million dollars”. He laughed and drove away.

I wish I had her gift of making people happy.

Bipolar Kitty

100_0465Pretty, soft, fuzzy kitty….isn’t she sweet? Don’t let her fool you. My family is scared of my cat. When they walk in the door she is all “Meow, I’m so sweet. I’ll allow you to pet me now.” BUT, when they give her a scratch between the ears they are allowed precisely two scratches then she bites the holy hell out of them. Sweet kitty….

Sometimes I find her sleeping in the strangest places. I can understand a cat that looks for a cozy cupboard or the dark corner of a closet but not my sweet kitty. I often find her sleeping in the middle of the hallway with all four feet in the air. I don’t think cats are supposed to sleep on their backs. Usually you can hear her snoring across the house. Well, it may be the paint she’s sucking off the walls that I hear.

How did she get so fat? This feline is seriously obese. When she runs she has the two fat pockets in front of her hind legs that swing in rhythm. It’s kind of funny but it’s begun to be a problem. You see, she can no longer reach her butt to clean it. She is so fat that she often falls over trying to bathe herself. She sit’s with rear leg hiked high towards the ceiling and just licks air because she can’t reach anything.

I know, “Watch her diet”. I measure her food. I swear I do. I don’t know where she’s eating. I’d swear she was walking to McDonalds for some fries but there is no way she’ll exert that much energy. Maybe she has the Dairy Bar on speed dial….

Pearl is a pillow hog

100_0437My dearest caught me being abused by Pearl. She gets me to do the strangest things in my sleep. It could be worse though. At 3:30 this morning my cat sits on the blanket chest beside my husband’s side of the bed and begins to sing the song of her people.

I’m just not sure who is the pet and who is the owner anymore. The lines have been blurred.

Pearl tackles the big issues.

NoseMe: Pearl, how do you feel about gay rights?

Pearl: I think everyone should have the right to be happy.

Me: No Pearl, not that kind of gay. I mean how do you feel about men being able to marry men and women being able to marry women?

Pearl: Oh, well…lets see… boys have cooties so no one should ever marry a boy. Girls do the cooking so that’s definitely better. Yeah, everybody should marry girls.

Me: That’s kind of sexist to say that cooking is just for women.

Pearl: **face paws** I just don’t understand you humans. You say some of the silliest things. Ok fine! You take me for my walks so everybody should marry girls because they take walks.

Me: But men could take walks or cook if they wanted to.

Pearl: Uh huh, but they don’t so why would you want to marry them?

Me: Well, because they….well…umm….. BUGS! They can kill the bugs when they get in the house.

Pearl: If they weren’t so busy watching TV they wouldn’t let bugs come in the house in the first place. They have one job to do and can’t get that done. Nope, nobody should marry men.

Me: Who could argue with that logic?

Pearl: Nobody. Now, are there any other worldly problems that I need to solve for you before you can fix lunch?

Me: Well, I was also wondering how you felt about ObamaCare.

Pearl: I hate it.

Me: Why do you hate it?

Pearl: Because I’m hungry.

Me: That doesn’t even make sense.

Pearl: No? Let’s discuss it over a plate of ravioli.

Me: Oh Pearl, don’t you even care about the issues of the world?

Pearl: Not if it’s going to interfere with lunch. ***opens refrigerator door** You got any chicken in here?

Me: I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!

Pearl: You’re off your medications again aren’t you?

Me: I am not off my medications!

Pearl: Uh huh, then why are you yelling at me? I am cute and sweet and hungry. You would have to be crazy to stand here and yell at me when there is perfectly good chicken in that refrigerator waiting to be cooked.

Me: Of course, I don’t know what I was thinking…..

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/11/16/daily-prompt-details/

 

Conversations with Pearl – Ode to Earth

Pearly Girl

Pearly Girl

Me: Pearl, why do you smell funny?

Pearl: I don’t smell funny.

Me: Ok then, why do you stink?

Pearl: I most certainly do not stink!

Me: You smell like something that died last week.

Pearl: Oh that. I found that in the back yard. It was kind of crusty so it was hard to get the scent off of it.

Me: You know I’m going to give you a bath now right?

Pearl: Why?? Do you know what I went through to get this Ode to Earth? I had to fall down on the ground and scrape my face across this crusty thing 17 times before it provided adequate scenting.

Me: Of course, and to think I just spritz perfume from a bottle.

Pearl: Spritz? Really? Can we go to Wal-Mart and see if they have any three day old possum scent?

Me: Um…I don’t think they have that kind of smell in a bottle. How about something that smells like lavender?

Pearl: You are so gross. I can’t believe you want me to smell like a plant.

Me: You’re probably right. Dead possum is a much better scent.

Pearl: Thank you.

Going to my happy place

Mountain Man

My Mr.

This weekend I have been invited to a Secluded Mountain Hideaway. That’s what my husband calls it. This heavenly place is actually a little cabin in the middle of nowhere but it is his retreat. I am allowed by invitation only as it is a Man Cave. We don’t have a well so he catches rain water for life’s little luxuries like a shower. When you’re at a cabin in the middle of nowhere on a rock mountain a shower is a luxury. Ours is behind the cabin leaving you exposed to all of nature. It’s actually kind of liberating to stand butt naked in nature and take a shower. In the back of my mind I am always worried that a bear will come along and decide he is thirsty.

Black Bear

Black Bear behind the Cabin

It is very quiet at the cabin so we see a lot of animals. If you sit still on the deck you can watch black bear, deer, raccoons, foxes, lizards, humming birds and our friend Buzz. He is a buzzard but he always hangs out by our cabin. (Maybe it’s a sign that we need to take more showers.)  The cabin is a place to clear your mind and reflect.

I love to go hiking when at the cabin but this time of year the chiggers are in full force so that probably won’t be happening. I may have to sacrifice my ankles anyway to go pick some fresh blackberries that grow wild there. It amazes me how many flowers and berries grow completely on their own there without any help by man.

View

View from the deck

Everyone should have a place to gather your soul and clear your mind. I will be sipping lemonade and reading a good book if you need me. Please don’t need me.

Chihuahua Business

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Hi, my name is Pearl and I am an avid floor licker. I lick floors for entertainment purposes. Sometimes I lick the rug too. I get fuzz stuck in the back of my throat then I cough and hack endlessly trying to dislodge said fuzz. I don’t care if this is irritating. Sometimes I find little things on the floor like tiny rocks and I roll them around on my tongue while bouncing my head up and down. I look like I am having a seizure but no, I am just playing with a rock. When I find something that tastes nasty I stick out my tongue and make funny faces. Then I lick it again to make sure that it was indeed nasty. Yes, it definitely was.

I have developed a very delicate palate in my floor licking practice. I am offended by most dog foods and will starve before lowering myself to eat such a thing. I also do not like processed meats. Again, my palate is very delicate so do not bother to try to entice me with a hot dog. No one knows what’s actually in those things.

I must go now. I think I see a spot that my human missed while mopping this morning. Never pass up an opportunity to refine your palate.