Category Archives: Conversations With Pearl

The importance of pee mail


Pearl: There’s a dog across the street! GO AWAY BLACK DOG!

Me: Pearl hush.


Me: Pearl, he’s not even in our yard. Calm down.

Pearl: He’s PEEING! Oh my dawg! He’s peeing across the street and you’re just sitting there like you don’t have a care in the world. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?

Me: Pearl, quit yelling at me. He’s not hurting anything.

Pearl: How can you say that? He has left pee mail everywhere. Quick! Get me some water! I gotta make more pee.

Me: You’re joking right?

Pearl: Does this look like my happy face? I’ve got lots of work to do now. The pee mail is all wrong.

*10 minutes later*

Pearl: So you see Officer, I obviously had no choice. My legs are only 4 inches long so it’s hard to pee that high. She could have easily helped with the pee mail but would she? NO! Besides, just look at my precious little paws. Do these look like the kind of paws that could have tied her shoe laces together and watched her drop like a rock? I THINK NOT! (You should paw print Jasper though. He has beady eyes.)

The Diet

DSC_0981Me: Pearl, you have to lose some weight.
Pearl: What’s weight? I don’t want to lose anything. Old people lose stuff and I’m not old.
Me: Pearl, I’m telling you the vet says you’re fat. You are 2 pounds over weight.
Pearl: VET? That man is crazy. You’re taking advice from a man who puts sticks in my butt and pokes around on me?
Me: It’s for your own good. He is simply checking your health.
Pearl: FINE! Next time let him put sticks in your butt.
Me: The Vet can’t put…. oh dear..
Pearl: See! The man is crazy.
Me: But Pearl, you can get arthritis from being over weight.
Pearl: Kool! I’ve never had an arthritis before. Does it taste like chicken?
Me: NO! Arthritis is pain in your joints. It is not food.
Pearl: Well, why on earth would you want to give me arthritis then? That’s it! That’s the last time you’re hanging around that crazy Vet. He puts the strangest ideas into your head.
Me: No Pearl, you have to stop eating so much food or you will get arthritis.
Pearl: I’ll just refuse to take it. I don’t want arthritis so I’ll just say no when that crazy Vet tries to give it to me. It’s probably on them white sticks he tries to put in my butt.
Me: Why do I bother?
Pearl: I don’t know but we need to hurry cause it’s happy hour at Sonic and I need my banana taffy slushee.


The Babysitter

Me: Pearl, I have to go to a Christmas party so I need you and Jasper to stay with Juli while I’m gone.

Pearl: Oh No! I can’t babysit a teenager! I just don’t know anything about teenagers!

Me: You’re not…umm…..Yes, Ok. You can do this.

Pearl: What do I feed her? What if she wants to talk about boys? Oh my dawg! What if she wants to do makeup??lip gloss

Me: Don’t worry. I’ll stop by McDonalds and get some snacks for her. If she grabs the mascara just put a French fry in her hand. Besides, she’s going to watch a great movie with you. “101 Dalmatians”.

Pearl: Dalmatians are in inferior species but I suppose that will be OK. Make sure you tell her to be a good girl before you leave cause I can’t handle her teenagery gyrations to some crazy Justin Bieber mess.

Me: I don’t think she’s a Justin Bieber kind of teenager. It will be OK. Just sit on the couch with her and pop a chicken nugget in her mouth if she talks too much.

Pearl: What if she pulls out the lip gloss? Last time she put lip gloss on me and my lips were so shiny I looked like I had a grill!


Me: Trust me Pearl. It will be fine. Just take her for some walks and feed her.

**4 hours later**

Pearl: OH MY DAWG! I thought you were never coming back. I’ve been a stressed out wreck! Protecting a teenager is hard work. She tried to listen to some crazy music but I howled so she wouldn’t hear that hideous stuff. Then she started talking about boys so I got Jasper to throw his feet up in the air and show her his belly. My ears are ringing cause she talks so much not to mention she tried to braid them!
Did you know teenagers talks so much? I tried throwing a chicken nugget in her mouth but she just kept talking so I put five in there. She nearly choked to death so I had to save her from her own poor eating skills. I poured milk down her throat and she made these funny gurgling noises. That was better than the talking though. Then she went to sleep for a little while. It was very strange. She was talking, eating and drinking milk and then she just went to sleep. She wakes up funny though. She was grabbing her throat and spitting chicken everywhere. She really is a strange girl.
Then there was the video games. She just stared at the TV and talked to it. She really thinks it hears her! I tied her shoe laces together so she couldn’t get away cause she was clearly having a psychotic episode.
Are you listening to me? I feel like I’m talking to myself. Anyway, then she….HEY! Why are you giving her money? I did all the work here and she gets paid?

Santa’s a Thief!

IMG_0456Pearl: **tap, tap, tap, tap, tap….enter***

Me: Pearl, what are you doing?

Pearl: Emailing a warning letter to Santa

Me: Why?

Pearl: Because last year he snuck in here and stole my cookies that I left on the coffee table. I think he stole some chicken too.

Me: Um…Pearl, I don’t think you get how this Santa thing works.

Pearl: Oh yes I do and I’m not putting up with it anymore! Steal my cookies and chicken! I’m gonna kick some Santa hiney! Jasper! Man the fireplace!

**jumps down from chair** **drags sack of pecans to door**

Me: What are your going to do with those pecans?

Pearl: I’ll scatter them in front of the door in case the sneaky cookie thief tries to get in this way. %#^%**%# Reindeer poop in my yard! I’ll teach him a lesson!

Me: But Pearl, Christmas is about giving and being kind to others.

Pearl: Well, I’m glad you finally see the light. You can help me annihilate this thief. Now go outside and get me some pinecones.

Me: But Pearl!

Pearl: Hurry! We only have twelve days to prepare!

Security Detail

100_0266Pearl: There is an emergency in the front yard. You need to let me out so I can address the situation.

Me: I don’t see an emergency. I don’t see anything unusual.

Pearl: It’s because you are human and ill equipped to recognize these things.

Me: I am not going to let you run around the front yard. You might run into the road and get hit by a car.

Pearl: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! Do you see those leaves right there? There is something very dangerous going on in those leaves.

Me: Seriously? You’re worried about leaves.

Pearl: NO! I am not worried about the leaves. They are simply a cover for the squirrel apocalypse.

Me: Ummm…what?

Pearl: THE SQUIRREL APOCALYPSE! Don’t you keep up with the pee mail? The undead squirrels are uniting to come in and eat our noses.

Me: Why would undead squirrels want to eat our noses?

Pearl: So that we can’t tell when they’re coming nor can we find our food sources. I swear you are not very bright.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s just a pile of leaves. If it will make you feel better I will go out and rake them.

Pearl: NOOOOOOOOOOO! You will release the undead squirrels!

Me: OK, fine. I will put you on a leash and walk you over to the leaves so that you can see they are not dangerous.

Pearl: ***Goes outside. Sniffs leaves*** Ok, they have left their cover. We are safe for the time being. You can stop worrying now.

Me: Gee thanks Pearl. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Pearl: **Barks wildly at acorn that fell from tree.**  OH MY DAWG! They’re in the trees now! We’re being bombed!

Me: But it’s just and acorn.

Pearl: JUST AN ACORN? It’s a freaking bomb!

Me: Ok Pearl, I need a nap. You are wearing me out.

Pearl: Nap? Did you say nap? Well….I guess the apocalypse can wait until after nap time. Then we will resume our security detail.

Me: Ahem….Of course we will.

Pearl tackles the big issues.

NoseMe: Pearl, how do you feel about gay rights?

Pearl: I think everyone should have the right to be happy.

Me: No Pearl, not that kind of gay. I mean how do you feel about men being able to marry men and women being able to marry women?

Pearl: Oh, well…lets see… boys have cooties so no one should ever marry a boy. Girls do the cooking so that’s definitely better. Yeah, everybody should marry girls.

Me: That’s kind of sexist to say that cooking is just for women.

Pearl: **face paws** I just don’t understand you humans. You say some of the silliest things. Ok fine! You take me for my walks so everybody should marry girls because they take walks.

Me: But men could take walks or cook if they wanted to.

Pearl: Uh huh, but they don’t so why would you want to marry them?

Me: Well, because they….well…umm….. BUGS! They can kill the bugs when they get in the house.

Pearl: If they weren’t so busy watching TV they wouldn’t let bugs come in the house in the first place. They have one job to do and can’t get that done. Nope, nobody should marry men.

Me: Who could argue with that logic?

Pearl: Nobody. Now, are there any other worldly problems that I need to solve for you before you can fix lunch?

Me: Well, I was also wondering how you felt about ObamaCare.

Pearl: I hate it.

Me: Why do you hate it?

Pearl: Because I’m hungry.

Me: That doesn’t even make sense.

Pearl: No? Let’s discuss it over a plate of ravioli.

Me: Oh Pearl, don’t you even care about the issues of the world?

Pearl: Not if it’s going to interfere with lunch. ***opens refrigerator door** You got any chicken in here?

Me: I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!

Pearl: You’re off your medications again aren’t you?

Me: I am not off my medications!

Pearl: Uh huh, then why are you yelling at me? I am cute and sweet and hungry. You would have to be crazy to stand here and yell at me when there is perfectly good chicken in that refrigerator waiting to be cooked.

Me: Of course, I don’t know what I was thinking…..


The yard sale

NosePearl: Why are you sitting in the yard with all that stuff?

Me: I’m having a yard sale Pearl.

Pearl: You’re selling the yard? Oh my dog! Don’t sell the yard! I pee there!

Me: No, I’m not selling the yard. I’m selling this stuff I set in the driveway.

Pearl: I don’t trust you. You just said you were selling the yard.

Me: That’s just what it’s called. Some people call it a garage sale.

Pearl: Oh my dog! You’re going to sell the garage? What about all the tools in there? You’re going to get in trouble when Daddy gets home.

Me: No, I’m not selling the garage either.

Pearl: You just said you were having a garage sale. I don’t trust you. How many more lies have you told me?

Me: I am not lying to you!

Pearl: Oh my dog! There are people coming into the yard! NO PEOPLE! MY YARD IS NOT FOR SALE!

Me: Pearl quit barking at them! You’ll scare them away and I need them to buy my stuff.

Pearl: No! I don’t want them to buy my yard or Daddy’s garage. GET OUT OF OUR YARD PEOPLE!

Pearl’s new song

Pearly Girl

Pearly Girl

Pearl: “If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. Oh, oh, oh oh oh ooooh…”

Me: Pearl, what are you singing?

Pearl: Oh, it’s that song by Beyonce’. ****sings**** “If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. Oh, oh, oh oh oh ooooh…”

Me: Um…Pearl….I don’t think that’s what she’s saying…

Pearl: Of course that’s what she’s saying! Every dog knows if you like a territory then you have to pee on it to claim it.

Me: Oh, I see. Carry on then.

Pearl: **taps back paws** “If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. Oh, oh, oh oh oh ooooh…”

How Pearl sees it


Pearl: Why do you put your lunch in that machine every day?

Me: Because I am warming it up.

Pearl: You don’t warm my kibble. That’s not fair. I think you should warm my kibble too.

Me: I am not going to have this conversation with you.

Pearl: Fine then, so why do you put your lunch in that big white box every morning?

Me: To keep it cool Pearl. You can’t just leave food lying around.

Pearl: You don’t put my kibble in that big white box. That’s not fair. I think you should cool my kibble too.

Me: I thought I just said I was not going to have this conversation with you?

Pearl: You do some weird stuff.

Me: I do not do weird stuff!

Pearl: You do to! Every day this week I’ve seen you pick up that thing with that girl’s picture on it and you just stare at it. That is definitely weird!

Me: Pearl, that is a book. I am reading.

Pearl: That’s exactly what I mean. You’re always doing weird stuff like this “reading”.  Just staring at stuff is stupid.

Me: It is not stupid. The book has words in it and I read them. It tells me a story.

Pearl: I didn’t hear it say nothin’. Maybe we should call your Doctor again.

Me: I do not need a doctor. I am fine.

Pearl: Uh huh, scuse me…..

Me: What are you doing?

Pearl: Just making a little phone call. This doesn’t concern you.  Just do your “reading” on that wall over there.

Make haste! Time is of the essence!


Pearl: Hi there, this is Pearl speaking. Mom is in the restroom and was dumb enough to leave her blog open. She wouldn’t want me to tell you but because I love her I will confide in you. The truth of the matter is, we are low on chicken. If you could send some chicken I just know it would make her feel better. That man in the brown suit with the brown truck will bring it for you. Tell him to come to the garage and DO NOT knock on the front door.

Jasper : Tell them we’re low on bacon too.

Pearl: Shut up Jasper! I got this.

Jasper: How are they going to know where we live?

Pearl: Would you be quiet please?? I can’t think with all that yappin’.

Pearl: Ahem, we live on the street with the big trees near the guy with the brown dog.

Jasper: Um Pearl, dogs can’t see colors. How do you know what brown is?

Pearl: Jasper! I am smarter than you! Just hush up so I can get this done before she gets back!

Pearl: Now, if you could deliver the packages between 2:00 and 3:00 a.m. that would be great. Remember, the goal here is to make Mommy feel better so mums the word.

Jasper: Heehee, Mums the word. That’s funny.

Pearl: You’re a riot Jasper. A real riot.


Pearl: **Hits Publish** **runs to bed and pretends to snore**

Jasper: **Still sitting at chair shaking like a leaf**