Single. There was a time in my twenties this word would have terrified me. Now, I am embracing it. Relationships, I’ve had a few. I use to regret some but know I’m thankful for the experience. Oh sure, I probably could have lived without ever having a gun pointed at me or having someone spit in my face but even those weren’t all bad. No one is all bad.
Today I am happy. No one yells at me. No one tells me what I can or can’t do. I am flying solo and finding a little peace on earth.
I amaze myself daily. I take on projects now knowing that there is no one to back me up. Yes, it’s scary sometimes but you just keep moving forward.
Today I can laugh at some of the crazy things I did in an effort to please a man:
1. Stumble to the kitchen every morning for years because he can’t possibly arise without an obsequious woman serving him coffee in bed.
2. Give up gum because any woman who pops a piece of Wrigleys is obviously a “gum smacking whore.”
3. Glaze 45 windows because he can’t do repetition.
4. Pick up an exconvict from a 10 year stay in a maximum security prison. (I know, I was shocked when he informed me of this duty.)
5. Pour a concrete sidewalk around the house by myself because his back was out.
6. Process three deer in one day.
7. Can tomatoes from 45 tomato plants. Seriously, that’s about nine hundred pounds of tomatoes.
8. Make 7 different banana puddings in an effort to find one that pleases him. As you can guess, none were perfect enough.
The list may be endless but my willingness to participate was not. I guess I always believed if I tried hard enough the sun would shine on me. Well, suck it up buttercup because “fair” is a place for cotton candy and monkey poop.
Things I learned today:
- A 9.5 foot kayak will fit in my car.
- Windshields’ don’t budge when shoving 9.5 foot kayaks in your car.
- Never listen to my husband.
Me: Do you think it’s safe to drive like this?
Husband: Why sure, you’ll just get a bit of wind that’s all.
Me: Ok, if you say so.
Husband: When you get home put mine in there too.
Husband: Really, it will fit.
- Thaw out his carpenter’s glue in my microwave.
- Fill the trunk of my car with coal for forging.
- Throw a dead otter in the back seat of my car because the hide looked nice.
- Take a contract for 64 historic windows because “his wife can do the glazing while he makes the frames.”
- Fart in front of my Mother on purpose with leg hiked in air.
- Park in the handicapped space cause “handicapped folks aint got no business being at the liquor store.”
- Volunteer me to pick up a convict being released from a long stint in prison.
- Take me on a week-long camping trip with friends and not bother to mention that there won’t be any “facilities”.
- Watch one of our chairs roll down the interstate while en-route to one of these week-long camping trips and announce “Hmmm….You know that was YOUR chair right?”
- Yell at me from the bed as I’m getting ready for work because his coffee cup is empty and he can’t wait much longer for his second cup.
If your marriage is easy then you’re obviously doing it wrong.
Things Pete said:
- You’re getting old. You’re just like a crow, attracted to all things shiny.
- Some good looking woman is going to bring me coffee in bed. Do you want to be her?
- You need to put cokes in the refrigerator. (The cokes that HE drinks.)
- Of course you like those shoes, they’re shiny. (See crow reference above.)
- How do you know when your hair is “fixed”? It looked like that when you got out of bed.
- Dr. Oz is an idiot. Of course you should wear stripper shoes. Who cares about your back?
- YOU FORGOT TO SAY GOODBYE! (Standing butt naked on the porch and waving to me as I sit in my car.)
- Jerry Springer is an educational program.
- Where is lunch? I usually eat lunch at this time. (After arriving home from a two hour journey.)
- I checked my calendar and I spent the equivalent of THREE MONTHS at home in 2013. I had no idea I was here so often.
- I want my casket stood up at the funeral home so no one can look up my nose.
- It’s time to go to bed. (Turns off all the lights and locks the doors as I sit at the computer.)
- What’s this rabbit food? I can’t eat all this fiber! I don’t care if fried food kills me. I want my pallbearers to wear fried chicken legs on their lapels.
- I can’t help it. (After I asked him to stop staring at the half naked gal in front of us.)
I should probably just write a book.
I fear I may have married a pig. His messes have become unbearable. There is clipped beard hair on the bathroom sink, something sticky in front of the refrigerator, a half drunken glass of tea on the end table, shoes pouring out of his closet and I can’t even explain what is going on with his dresser. The drawers are always open with things strewn on top and around it.
Losing my mind
Dear Losing my mind:
You obviously have no idea how intelligent pigs are. It is clear that you are unappreciative of your husband. You really should take stock in what a great man he is. It is an honor he bestows upon you in allowing you to straighten his things. You are just lucky he lets you stay there. Try to be more obsequious. He is doing his best to make you feel needed and you have the audacity to complain! I am so disappointed in you.
Being a man is very hard work with many responsibilities. He does not have time to waste with dishes or laundry. Yes, he is thoughtful enough to allow you employment outside of the home to keep you enlightened. He even allows you to pay some of the bills with your income so that you won’t feel totally useless. Have you taken the time to thank him for this? I think not!
My advice to you is to clean up after him without so much complaining. No man wants a woman who bitches all the time.
Pants in driveway. No husband around. Scared to ask.
There is nothing sexier than a man wearing a tool belt. He can fix stuff! Every woman wants a man that can fix stuff. Why even Tom Silva is sexy with a tool belt! BUT, before you marry a “Jack Of All Trades” there are a few things you should know.
- There will always be screws in your washer.
- You will find a surprise every time he pees. Don’t bother to ask him to explain. He will look at you blankly when you swear there was a paint brush in the toilet.
- Carpeted floors are for other people. You cannot have those.
- Discarded clothing in the driveway is the norm. Do not worry. The neighbors are used to seeing his butt by now.
- A portion of your yard will become “Sanford and Son”-ish. These are vital items to his trade and may not be removed.
- Random items will appear on your bank statement from Building Supply Stores. Don’t bother to question him. He will not remember what it was for.
- When the neighbors set a piece of furniture on the curb never assume the trash man picked it up. You will find it in the garage later.
- All of his shirts will have paint on them. Do not throw them out. These are his favorites.
- Assorted hardware will appear on your kitchen counters. You’ll need an area to confine these to. I recommend an old coffee can.
- There will never be enough room on the hall tree for your purse. Just give it up.
- When opening the front door you will sometimes be bombarded with strange smells. Do not ask him to explain. You do not want to know. Just grab the Lysol.
- Embrace the saw dust. You’re going to be wearing it every time he tries to hug you.
I can tell you from experience that it is wonderful having a man around the house that can repair or build anything he wants to. Just remember, there are sacrifices to be made and they are all to be made by you……
Just tinkering…in the sky…way up high….
So, I married a Drama King. Everything must be said with a flourish. This is an actual note that he wrote to me:
“I me Bonnie Lass, tis himself address ye. Take heed Wench lest I take a mind ta throw ya over me knee an commence to flailing ye a good one across ya backside. Hark I say I put to ya a simple question and plan tis the answer I seek – straight out now – none of this catterwalling nor howling about like unto a highland sprit – out with it now. Tis this not the vary same eve upon which we are to embark cross yon glen and hedgerow keeping mostly to the highroad until such time as we reach the hamlet that contains the very House of Wallce Mart. Thereby and upon which gaining we should lay up winter stores fitting to tide us over but half a fortnight yet robbing me already overtaxed purse to the point that there not even be a speck of lint left in the bottom. So what say ye and be quick about it lest I unleash more babble upon ye!”
Translation: “Are we going to Wal-Mart to buy groceries tonight?.”
This week marks our 15th wedding anniversary. Time has gone by fast but it has been so very full. Pete is the hardest working man I know and truly lives life. Sometimes he lives it on the edge but no one can ever accuse him of just existing. Ok, so he lives every day on the edge. He is a pusher of the proverbial envelope. I am a follower of rules. Please leave my envelope alone thank you.
When I first met Pete Fisk I did not care for him at all. He was egotistical, arrogant and believed himself to be quite the lady’s man. He flirted with every female he encountered regardless of age, race or religion. You could not accuse him of being prejudice. I think his wicked sense of humor and the fact that he isn’t scared of ANYTHING is what won me over. There is no job to big or no mountain so high that he will not run at it full speed ahead. He never even stops to consider that a thing couldn’t or shouldn’t be done.
Pete started referring to me as “Snoogie” from the beginning. It was so ridiculously goopy and he got a thrill out of explaining it to others when they raised a brow. You see, “Snoogie” if short for “Snoogie Woogie Bearies”. Oh yes, yes it is. He taught his co- workers to refer to me as Snoogie and the dang thing just stuck.
The first time I went to a Rendezvous (Historic Re-enactment) he introduced me to his friends as “The Current Reigning Mrs. Fisk as it is not a permanent position”. He loves shock value. Maybe a little too much.
When we first married he explained to me that I would be bringing him coffee in bed every morning for the rest of our lives. Actually what he said was “Some good looking woman is going to be bringing me coffee in bed every morning. Do you want to be her?” This includes the time we were camping and I had to bust the ice, build the fire and brew the life or death cup of Folgers in the early morning darkness while the coyotes howl. He likes to get up early.
I can say the last 15 years of my life have never had a dull moment. He keeps me on my toes. We are so very opposite in many ways but apparently the old adage is true. Opposites attract. I think maybe we balance each other out. Or maybe I just keep him out of prison. Something like that….