Tag Archives: Jesus

Don’t read this!

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What are you doing? You’re reading this aren’t you. Someone will know. You’re such a rebel. Rule breaker! You might as well keep going now. I feel I must tell you though, these are minutes of your life that you can’t get back. Somewhere in your heart you just know there will be a life changing bit of knowledge in here. Your vested now. There is no turning back.

DON’T SCROLL DOWN! Didn’t think I would notice you skipping ahead? Seriously, can you just try to be good for once.

Ok, so here it is. Shame, failure, my little secret. I saw a post on facebook that said “If you love your Mother, share this post in 2 seconds.” I didn’t do it. I didn’t. I hesitated. Then I just didn’t do it. I know, how do I sleep at night? Yesterday I didn’t love Jesus in 10 seconds. How do I live with myself? How can I go on with this sham I’m living?

Will I burn in hell now? Is there hope for my recovery? I fear I may have crossed a line that I cannot return from. If you see my vacant soul roaming the streets please return it to my husband. He is hungry and out of clean undies now.

 

Not sold in stores (For a very good reason)

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I found Jesus in Canton, TX. He was six feet tall and being sold by a Hispanic dude that barely spoke English. My mind was racing trying to figure out what to do with a six foot Jesus and I completely forgot to ask what the price for him was. Who knew you could buy Jesus? What would you do with him when you got him home? You could put him in the living room but every time you turned on the TV he would be staring at you with his “Are you really going to watch that? Shouldn’t you be reading the Bible or something?” So you move him to the dining room and as you lift a fork to your mouth you see him staring at you. “Your body is a temple. Are you really going to do that to your temple? Those mashed potatoes look gluttonous.” So…you move him to the bedroom. “It’s Saturday morning and the sun is shining. Are you really going to sleep past 6:00 am? This is not the day of rest you know.” So, I walked away from six foot Jesus. I couldn’t handle the pressure.

Then there were the chickens. Apparently five foot tall chickens are the modern “Welcome Goose” from the 80’s. You know you had a goose in the 80’s. Don’t act like you didn’t fall for that corny crap. I would have taken a picture of the five foot chicken but the vendor had a sign up “No Pictures!” There seems to have been an issue with people trying to steal his design for the five foot metal chicken made from random scraps of metal.

I found Sausage Sauce, designer dresses, rusted heaps of metal, Depression glass, baby goats and a hat that says “I’m super bitch” with “I love Jesus” on the side of the same hat. I think my favorite find was the guys selling magic arm bands. There were actually two different booths selling them. I don’t know why the whole world doesn’t wear these magic arm bands. Seriously, they cure PMS, Menopause, Lupus, Arthritis AND Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Yes, you can be cured of all of these things if you will only wear their bracelet. It’s amazing. I’m surprised Doctors don’t just hand them out as a precaution to all their patients.

Oh how I love Canton, TX!