Monthly Archives: October 2014

The importance of pee mail

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Pearl: There’s a dog across the street! GO AWAY BLACK DOG!

Me: Pearl hush.

Pearl: DAWG! BLACK! ACROSS THE STREET! DO SOMETHING!

Me: Pearl, he’s not even in our yard. Calm down.

Pearl: He’s PEEING! Oh my dawg! He’s peeing across the street and you’re just sitting there like you don’t have a care in the world. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?

Me: Pearl, quit yelling at me. He’s not hurting anything.

Pearl: How can you say that? He has left pee mail everywhere. Quick! Get me some water! I gotta make more pee.

Me: You’re joking right?

Pearl: Does this look like my happy face? I’ve got lots of work to do now. The pee mail is all wrong.

*10 minutes later*

Pearl: So you see Officer, I obviously had no choice. My legs are only 4 inches long so it’s hard to pee that high. She could have easily helped with the pee mail but would she? NO! Besides, just look at my precious little paws. Do these look like the kind of paws that could have tied her shoe laces together and watched her drop like a rock? I THINK NOT! (You should paw print Jasper though. He has beady eyes.)

Let’s put dead stuff on the wall.

DSC_1049Meet Ted. E. Bear. He lives above my mantel with two of his friends. Do you ever wonder who the first guy was to stuff a dead animal and bring it in the house? How did that conversation even happen?

“Hey Bobby Jack, I just kilt this here critter and I was a thinkin. It aint good enough to just eat the meat. Lets stuff this sucker and hang his head on the wall.”

How did Bobby Jack talk his wife into letting him do this? “Now Ethel, you know you’re meaner than an Ol’ snake and I just thought it be right nice to have a happy face in this house.”

I’m pretty sure it’s a requirement to keep dead things in the house when you live in Arkansas. It only turns strange when you start to dress them up. Ok, so Ted does enjoy his santa hat at Christmas and has been known to wear garland like a feather boa.

DSCF0212Where do we go from here? Next thing you know we’ll be stuffin’ Uncle Earl and settin’ him at the dinner table.

Don’t read this!

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What are you doing? You’re reading this aren’t you. Someone will know. You’re such a rebel. Rule breaker! You might as well keep going now. I feel I must tell you though, these are minutes of your life that you can’t get back. Somewhere in your heart you just know there will be a life changing bit of knowledge in here. Your vested now. There is no turning back.

DON’T SCROLL DOWN! Didn’t think I would notice you skipping ahead? Seriously, can you just try to be good for once.

Ok, so here it is. Shame, failure, my little secret. I saw a post on facebook that said “If you love your Mother, share this post in 2 seconds.” I didn’t do it. I didn’t. I hesitated. Then I just didn’t do it. I know, how do I sleep at night? Yesterday I didn’t love Jesus in 10 seconds. How do I live with myself? How can I go on with this sham I’m living?

Will I burn in hell now? Is there hope for my recovery? I fear I may have crossed a line that I cannot return from. If you see my vacant soul roaming the streets please return it to my husband. He is hungry and out of clean undies now.