Tag Archives: Chihuahua

The importance of pee mail

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Pearl: There’s a dog across the street! GO AWAY BLACK DOG!

Me: Pearl hush.

Pearl: DAWG! BLACK! ACROSS THE STREET! DO SOMETHING!

Me: Pearl, he’s not even in our yard. Calm down.

Pearl: He’s PEEING! Oh my dawg! He’s peeing across the street and you’re just sitting there like you don’t have a care in the world. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?

Me: Pearl, quit yelling at me. He’s not hurting anything.

Pearl: How can you say that? He has left pee mail everywhere. Quick! Get me some water! I gotta make more pee.

Me: You’re joking right?

Pearl: Does this look like my happy face? I’ve got lots of work to do now. The pee mail is all wrong.

*10 minutes later*

Pearl: So you see Officer, I obviously had no choice. My legs are only 4 inches long so it’s hard to pee that high. She could have easily helped with the pee mail but would she? NO! Besides, just look at my precious little paws. Do these look like the kind of paws that could have tied her shoe laces together and watched her drop like a rock? I THINK NOT! (You should paw print Jasper though. He has beady eyes.)

The Diet

DSC_0981Me: Pearl, you have to lose some weight.
Pearl: What’s weight? I don’t want to lose anything. Old people lose stuff and I’m not old.
Me: Pearl, I’m telling you the vet says you’re fat. You are 2 pounds over weight.
Pearl: VET? That man is crazy. You’re taking advice from a man who puts sticks in my butt and pokes around on me?
Me: It’s for your own good. He is simply checking your health.
Pearl: FINE! Next time let him put sticks in your butt.
Me: The Vet can’t put…. oh dear..
Pearl: See! The man is crazy.
Me: But Pearl, you can get arthritis from being over weight.
Pearl: Kool! I’ve never had an arthritis before. Does it taste like chicken?
Me: NO! Arthritis is pain in your joints. It is not food.
Pearl: Well, why on earth would you want to give me arthritis then? That’s it! That’s the last time you’re hanging around that crazy Vet. He puts the strangest ideas into your head.
Me: No Pearl, you have to stop eating so much food or you will get arthritis.
Pearl: I’ll just refuse to take it. I don’t want arthritis so I’ll just say no when that crazy Vet tries to give it to me. It’s probably on them white sticks he tries to put in my butt.
Me: Why do I bother?
Pearl: I don’t know but we need to hurry cause it’s happy hour at Sonic and I need my banana taffy slushee.

 

Wisdom from Pearl

IMG_1043 Mornin’ Y’all! Pearl woke me up at 6:30 this morning with slobbery kisses. She had determined that I had slept too long. She’s pretty sure she knows what’s best for me.
 IMG_1231Yesterday I took the chi’s for a long walk down main street. As usual we bumped into complete strangers that Pearl insisted should scratch behind her ears as in accordance with the prophecy. So, I got to thinking. (I know, it’s a dangerous path for me to take.) Anyway, how does this silly little dog manage to be adored by complete strangers? What is it about her that makes the neighbor’s kid jump the fence to come pet her?

I think it’s because she knows when to keep her mouth shut. (A trait I have yet to master.) Sure she whines when she’s hungry or needs to potty but she never makes small talk. I see her thinking sometimes. She’ll just stare into space and I would love to know what is going through her little brain but she never shares. She keeps her private thoughts to herself. You can never disagree with her views as she will not tell you what they are.

Life would probably be better if I were more like Pearl. Just keep my trap shut and greet everyone like they were the best thing I’ve seen all day.  It only takes a wag of her tail to make people smile.

Yesterday an old man pulled to a screeching halt in the middle of the road. He rolled down his window and yelled “How much will you take for one of them?” I responded “About 3 million dollars”. He laughed and drove away.

I wish I had her gift of making people happy.

Santa’s a Thief!

IMG_0456Pearl: **tap, tap, tap, tap, tap….enter***

Me: Pearl, what are you doing?

Pearl: Emailing a warning letter to Santa

Me: Why?

Pearl: Because last year he snuck in here and stole my cookies that I left on the coffee table. I think he stole some chicken too.

Me: Um…Pearl, I don’t think you get how this Santa thing works.

Pearl: Oh yes I do and I’m not putting up with it anymore! Steal my cookies and chicken! I’m gonna kick some Santa hiney! Jasper! Man the fireplace!

**jumps down from chair** **drags sack of pecans to door**

Me: What are your going to do with those pecans?

Pearl: I’ll scatter them in front of the door in case the sneaky cookie thief tries to get in this way. %#^%**%# Reindeer poop in my yard! I’ll teach him a lesson!

Me: But Pearl, Christmas is about giving and being kind to others.

Pearl: Well, I’m glad you finally see the light. You can help me annihilate this thief. Now go outside and get me some pinecones.

Me: But Pearl!

Pearl: Hurry! We only have twelve days to prepare!

Pearl’s new song

Pearly Girl

Pearly Girl

Pearl: “If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. Oh, oh, oh oh oh ooooh…”

Me: Pearl, what are you singing?

Pearl: Oh, it’s that song by Beyonce’. ****sings**** “If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. Oh, oh, oh oh oh ooooh…”

Me: Um…Pearl….I don’t think that’s what she’s saying…

Pearl: Of course that’s what she’s saying! Every dog knows if you like a territory then you have to pee on it to claim it.

Me: Oh, I see. Carry on then.

Pearl: **taps back paws** “If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. If you liked it then you really should have peed on it. Oh, oh, oh oh oh ooooh…”

Chihuahuas gone wild

Oh the shame of it all!

Oh the shame of it all!

Yesterday I arrived home and two teenage boys were walking down the street. I stayed in the car until they had passed so Pearl wouldn’t feel the need to bark at them. My game plan did not work. When I let them out of the car 5lb Jasper took out after them. One of the boys was laughing like crazy while the other was dancing the jig as Jasper tried to herd him like a sheep. The whole time I’m yelling “They don’t bite” as I make a mad dash to scoop them up. Pearl made it to the middle of the road before she realized she was about to get into trouble and stopped. Of course, she stopped in front of an oncoming car. I’m pretty sure the kid being herded was not convinced that Jasper would not bite him. He may be tiny but he is so fast. I have lost control here.

This morning my boss came in and stood by my desk to discuss work with me. Out of nowhere Jasper starts barking wildly at him. Can dogs go senile? I’m pretty sure Jasper needs some puppy Prozac.  I may have to start leaving him at home. I fear one of these days that someone will just give him a big swift kick in the butt and that will be the end of him. I know if he had come at me like that I would have knocked him away. I can’t figure out what makes him feel threatened. Maybe he thinks he’s protecting me?

Pearl somehow does not understand her duty in barking. She will run towards someone and bark like crazy but when she gets to them she wags her tail and asks to be petted. I don’t think she has ever met a stranger. Maybe it’s time for obedience training. Though Jasper is so old I’m not sure he’ll get it. I need a Chihuahua whisperer.

How Pearl sees it

Pearl2

Pearl: Why do you put your lunch in that machine every day?

Me: Because I am warming it up.

Pearl: You don’t warm my kibble. That’s not fair. I think you should warm my kibble too.

Me: I am not going to have this conversation with you.

Pearl: Fine then, so why do you put your lunch in that big white box every morning?

Me: To keep it cool Pearl. You can’t just leave food lying around.

Pearl: You don’t put my kibble in that big white box. That’s not fair. I think you should cool my kibble too.

Me: I thought I just said I was not going to have this conversation with you?

Pearl: You do some weird stuff.

Me: I do not do weird stuff!

Pearl: You do to! Every day this week I’ve seen you pick up that thing with that girl’s picture on it and you just stare at it. That is definitely weird!

Me: Pearl, that is a book. I am reading.

Pearl: That’s exactly what I mean. You’re always doing weird stuff like this “reading”.  Just staring at stuff is stupid.

Me: It is not stupid. The book has words in it and I read them. It tells me a story.

Pearl: I didn’t hear it say nothin’. Maybe we should call your Doctor again.

Me: I do not need a doctor. I am fine.

Pearl: Uh huh, scuse me…..

Me: What are you doing?

Pearl: Just making a little phone call. This doesn’t concern you.  Just do your “reading” on that wall over there.

Conversations with Pearl – Ode to Earth

Pearly Girl

Pearly Girl

Me: Pearl, why do you smell funny?

Pearl: I don’t smell funny.

Me: Ok then, why do you stink?

Pearl: I most certainly do not stink!

Me: You smell like something that died last week.

Pearl: Oh that. I found that in the back yard. It was kind of crusty so it was hard to get the scent off of it.

Me: You know I’m going to give you a bath now right?

Pearl: Why?? Do you know what I went through to get this Ode to Earth? I had to fall down on the ground and scrape my face across this crusty thing 17 times before it provided adequate scenting.

Me: Of course, and to think I just spritz perfume from a bottle.

Pearl: Spritz? Really? Can we go to Wal-Mart and see if they have any three day old possum scent?

Me: Um…I don’t think they have that kind of smell in a bottle. How about something that smells like lavender?

Pearl: You are so gross. I can’t believe you want me to smell like a plant.

Me: You’re probably right. Dead possum is a much better scent.

Pearl: Thank you.

Coversations with Pearl – The Cabin

Suffering at the Cabin

Suffering at the Cabin

Pearl: Ohhh, woe is me….

Me: Oh Pearl, it is not that bad.

Pearl: WOE is me…

Me: I just took you to the cabin. It’s not like it was the jungles of Africa or something.

Pearl: Oh it was worse! My paw-i-cure is ruined! It’s a place for savages!

Me: Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?

Pearl: Oh no, the rocks hurt my paws and a tick crawled on me! A TICK!

Me: I promise you won’t die because a tick crawled on you.

Pearl: Oh I feel weak. Don’t forget that evil blackberry bushed that attacked me. I was nearly killed!

Me: Pearl, a bush cannot attack you.

Pearl: It did too! I was just walking by it and it reached out and grabbed my tail! Only savages would allow evil thorny bushes to attack a delicate Chihuahua such as I.

Me: I am sorry Pearl that you wagged your tail while walking by a blackberry bush.

Pearl: Oh the terror I suffered! I might need therapy now.

Me: Well, don’t worry. We won’t go back for at least a month.

Pearl: GO BACK? Are you crazy? DO I LOOK LIKE A COYOTE TO YOU? **swoons with paw on forehead**