Pearl: There’s a dog across the street! GO AWAY BLACK DOG!
Me: Pearl hush.
Pearl: DAWG! BLACK! ACROSS THE STREET! DO SOMETHING!
Me: Pearl, he’s not even in our yard. Calm down.
Pearl: He’s PEEING! Oh my dawg! He’s peeing across the street and you’re just sitting there like you don’t have a care in the world. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU?
Me: Pearl, quit yelling at me. He’s not hurting anything.
Pearl: How can you say that? He has left pee mail everywhere. Quick! Get me some water! I gotta make more pee.
Me: You’re joking right?
Pearl: Does this look like my happy face? I’ve got lots of work to do now. The pee mail is all wrong.
*10 minutes later*
Pearl: So you see Officer, I obviously had no choice. My legs are only 4 inches long so it’s hard to pee that high. She could have easily helped with the pee mail but would she? NO! Besides, just look at my precious little paws. Do these look like the kind of paws that could have tied her shoe laces together and watched her drop like a rock? I THINK NOT! (You should paw print Jasper though. He has beady eyes.)
Good morning world. It’s a fabulous day and Pearl thinks we should go play. I’m a little leery since lately I can’t seem to step outside with causing injury to myself. I think I’ll cover myself in bubble wrap.
We are having our first “cool snap” of the year. Ok, so it’s going to be in the 80’s all week but that’s cool to me. I’ve opened up the house and time to get some cleaning done so I can go play. Y’all have a most fabulous day!
Me: Pearl, you have to lose some weight.
Pearl: What’s weight? I don’t want to lose anything. Old people lose stuff and I’m not old.
Me: Pearl, I’m telling you the vet says you’re fat. You are 2 pounds over weight.
Pearl: VET? That man is crazy. You’re taking advice from a man who puts sticks in my butt and pokes around on me?
Me: It’s for your own good. He is simply checking your health.
Pearl: FINE! Next time let him put sticks in your butt.
Me: The Vet can’t put…. oh dear..
Pearl: See! The man is crazy.
Me: But Pearl, you can get arthritis from being over weight.
Pearl: Kool! I’ve never had an arthritis before. Does it taste like chicken?
Me: NO! Arthritis is pain in your joints. It is not food.
Pearl: Well, why on earth would you want to give me arthritis then? That’s it! That’s the last time you’re hanging around that crazy Vet. He puts the strangest ideas into your head.
Me: No Pearl, you have to stop eating so much food or you will get arthritis.
Pearl: I’ll just refuse to take it. I don’t want arthritis so I’ll just say no when that crazy Vet tries to give it to me. It’s probably on them white sticks he tries to put in my butt.
Me: Why do I bother?
Pearl: I don’t know but we need to hurry cause it’s happy hour at Sonic and I need my banana taffy slushee.
Securing the perimeter is very serious business.
The ears must be locked and loaded at all times.
Shhh! Did you hear that?? I’m pretty sure it’s an evil kitty.
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT THING?
Mornin’ Y’all! Pearl woke me up at 6:30 this morning with slobbery kisses. She had determined that I had slept too long. She’s pretty sure she knows what’s best for me.
Yesterday I took the chi’s for a long walk down main street. As usual we bumped into complete strangers that Pearl insisted should scratch behind her ears as in accordance with the prophecy. So, I got to thinking. (I know, it’s a dangerous path for me to take.) Anyway, how does this silly little dog manage to be adored by complete strangers? What is it about her that makes the neighbor’s kid jump the fence to come pet her?
I think it’s because she knows when to keep her mouth shut. (A trait I have yet to master.) Sure she whines when she’s hungry or needs to potty but she never makes small talk. I see her thinking sometimes. She’ll just stare into space and I would love to know what is going through her little brain but she never shares. She keeps her private thoughts to herself. You can never disagree with her views as she will not tell you what they are.
Life would probably be better if I were more like Pearl. Just keep my trap shut and greet everyone like they were the best thing I’ve seen all day. It only takes a wag of her tail to make people smile.
Yesterday an old man pulled to a screeching halt in the middle of the road. He rolled down his window and yelled “How much will you take for one of them?” I responded “About 3 million dollars”. He laughed and drove away.
I wish I had her gift of making people happy.
You can quickly identify the homes with children from the smell of crayons and chicken nuggets. Maybe even some Kraft Macaroni and Cheese wafting through the air.
You can quickly identify the homes with dogs and cats by the nose art in the windows. (You thought I was going to say something about the smell of dogs but I’ll have you know that I bathe my babies in floral body wash with conditioners for their sensitive doggie skin. Don’t judge me.)
I was sitting at my desk when I looked out the window at a noise I heard but the view was blurry. Nope, not my glasses. It’s nose art. You can clean nose art daily to no avail. When a squirrel passes by, both Chihuahuas walk the window sill to terrify the creature into submission. This can only be done with noses pressed against the glass.
When my cat gets bored she walks the window sill to stare at the world. This also can only be done with the nose pressed against the glass. Thankfully the dogs can only reach the huge window in the living room. The cat on the other hand likes to bless every window in the house. I think it’s the smell of Windex that attracts them. It certainly doesn’t deter them. I think it’s a conspiracy to push me over the edge. I imagine them huddling in the den sniffing black pepper so they can run and rub snot on my windows. It’s all an evil Chihuahua plot and I am the victim here. Just once I’d like to gaze at the sun through snot free windows.
Accomplice #1 Mattie the snotty kitty. Weight 16lbs. Height according to evidence 12″.
Accomplice #2 Pearly Girl the nosy bandit. Weight 6lbs. Height according to evidence 10″. Just look at the devious nature in those eyes!
Accomplice #3 Sir Jasper Weight 5lbs Height according to evidence 9″.
Yes, he is declaring his innocence but I will not fall for that one again!
Watch out and beware! This evil trio may be coming to a window near you.
Pretty, soft, fuzzy kitty….isn’t she sweet? Don’t let her fool you. My family is scared of my cat. When they walk in the door she is all “Meow, I’m so sweet. I’ll allow you to pet me now.” BUT, when they give her a scratch between the ears they are allowed precisely two scratches then she bites the holy hell out of them. Sweet kitty….
Sometimes I find her sleeping in the strangest places. I can understand a cat that looks for a cozy cupboard or the dark corner of a closet but not my sweet kitty. I often find her sleeping in the middle of the hallway with all four feet in the air. I don’t think cats are supposed to sleep on their backs. Usually you can hear her snoring across the house. Well, it may be the paint she’s sucking off the walls that I hear.
How did she get so fat? This feline is seriously obese. When she runs she has the two fat pockets in front of her hind legs that swing in rhythm. It’s kind of funny but it’s begun to be a problem. You see, she can no longer reach her butt to clean it. She is so fat that she often falls over trying to bathe herself. She sit’s with rear leg hiked high towards the ceiling and just licks air because she can’t reach anything.
I know, “Watch her diet”. I measure her food. I swear I do. I don’t know where she’s eating. I’d swear she was walking to McDonalds for some fries but there is no way she’ll exert that much energy. Maybe she has the Dairy Bar on speed dial….
My dearest caught me being abused by Pearl. She gets me to do the strangest things in my sleep. It could be worse though. At 3:30 this morning my cat sits on the blanket chest beside my husband’s side of the bed and begins to sing the song of her people.
I’m just not sure who is the pet and who is the owner anymore. The lines have been blurred.
- My Dog Is A Pillow Hog (mix965houston.cbslocal.com)