Have you ever lived in a small town? I mean a really small town. I’ve lived in several but I think I lived in the town of Keo, Arkansas the longest. The population there is around 256 (providing no one passed on today.)
Knowing everyone’s business happens whether you really want to or not. Once you’ve been told you can’t un-remember. It makes it harder to greet them at the post office without thinking about it. The thing is though; they know all your dark secrets too. So it’s best to keep your mouth shut and crack your biggest smile.
You may be thinking that you don’t really have any dark secrets. Oh, you do. You’d realize it if 256 people knew about them. Suddenly they become bigger than they really are. In a way it’s like being a celebrity with paparazzi exposing you all the time. As soon as you do something stupid you know it’s going through the grapevine faster than a pig through slop.
If you sneeze you’ll be on the prayer list before you can grab a Kleenex.
Going on vacation? Yep, that’s going to be printed in the local paper. That shit is NEWS.
Getting a divorce? Yeah, we all know because your ex is selling your stuff in the front yard. (I swear I didn’t buy any.)
Have a fight with the Missus? Yep, we know and we’re pretty sure she’s right. We’ve seen the way you just leave your stuff laying around in the yard. Can’t imagine the kind of messes you make in the house.
Decide to do some renovations? Nosy Nelly will knock on your door and blatantly ask “What cha buildin’?”
Have an unknown visitor? After they’ve called the grapevine with no luck they will just walk on over and ask “Who was that?” This comes in handy though when you’re out of town. They will walk up to any stranger parked at your house and request the nature of their visit.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Small towns are wonderful. We stick together in case we have to stand up to them LRP’s (Little Rock People). Yes, that’s what we call them. They’re a different kind of species than us. They’re prone to park willy nilly on our city streets and that’s just askin’ for a war. They may even pull up in front of your barn like they own the dang place.
You see, Keo has the best eatin’ place around for nigh unto 50 miles. The LRP’s love to come bask in the nostalgia of Charlotte’s Eats and Sweets and get a slice of that mile high pie. I don’t blame them none. I’m partial to the Italian Cream Cake myself. Their business is very welcome. It’s their parking abilities that set us on edge. This aint Little Rock. We know every car in town and we know when you aint from around here.
Then there’s Morris Antiques. Who’d a thought you could buy priceless jewels of walnut and oak at this place that barely even shows up on the map? If you got a mansion to fill I guarantee you can find the furniture to fill it right here.
So, you may be asking you’re self: “Now, why on earth did you move from such a wonderful little town like that.” Well, the truth is I do so much stupid stuff I decided to go hide in a town of 4,000 people. When you’re bi-polar and prone to fits of idiocy it’s best to blend in with the nuts.