The Babysitter

Me: Pearl, I have to go to a Christmas party so I need you and Jasper to stay with Juli while I’m gone.

Pearl: Oh No! I can’t babysit a teenager! I just don’t know anything about teenagers!

Me: You’re not…umm…..Yes, Ok. You can do this.

Pearl: What do I feed her? What if she wants to talk about boys? Oh my dawg! What if she wants to do makeup??lip gloss

Me: Don’t worry. I’ll stop by McDonalds and get some snacks for her. If she grabs the mascara just put a French fry in her hand. Besides, she’s going to watch a great movie with you. “101 Dalmatians”.

Pearl: Dalmatians are in inferior species but I suppose that will be OK. Make sure you tell her to be a good girl before you leave cause I can’t handle her teenagery gyrations to some crazy Justin Bieber mess.

Me: I don’t think she’s a Justin Bieber kind of teenager. It will be OK. Just sit on the couch with her and pop a chicken nugget in her mouth if she talks too much.

Pearl: What if she pulls out the lip gloss? Last time she put lip gloss on me and my lips were so shiny I looked like I had a grill!

grill

Me: Trust me Pearl. It will be fine. Just take her for some walks and feed her.

**4 hours later**

Pearl: OH MY DAWG! I thought you were never coming back. I’ve been a stressed out wreck! Protecting a teenager is hard work. She tried to listen to some crazy music but I howled so she wouldn’t hear that hideous stuff. Then she started talking about boys so I got Jasper to throw his feet up in the air and show her his belly. My ears are ringing cause she talks so much not to mention she tried to braid them!
Did you know teenagers talks so much? I tried throwing a chicken nugget in her mouth but she just kept talking so I put five in there. She nearly choked to death so I had to save her from her own poor eating skills. I poured milk down her throat and she made these funny gurgling noises. That was better than the talking though. Then she went to sleep for a little while. It was very strange. She was talking, eating and drinking milk and then she just went to sleep. She wakes up funny though. She was grabbing her throat and spitting chicken everywhere. She really is a strange girl.
Then there was the video games. She just stared at the TV and talked to it. She really thinks it hears her! I tied her shoe laces together so she couldn’t get away cause she was clearly having a psychotic episode.
Are you listening to me? I feel like I’m talking to myself. Anyway, then she….HEY! Why are you giving her money? I did all the work here and she gets paid?