Security Detail

100_0266Pearl: There is an emergency in the front yard. You need to let me out so I can address the situation.

Me: I don’t see an emergency. I don’t see anything unusual.

Pearl: It’s because you are human and ill equipped to recognize these things.

Me: I am not going to let you run around the front yard. You might run into the road and get hit by a car.

Pearl: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! Do you see those leaves right there? There is something very dangerous going on in those leaves.

Me: Seriously? You’re worried about leaves.

Pearl: NO! I am not worried about the leaves. They are simply a cover for the squirrel apocalypse.

Me: Ummm…what?

Pearl: THE SQUIRREL APOCALYPSE! Don’t you keep up with the pee mail? The undead squirrels are uniting to come in and eat our noses.

Me: Why would undead squirrels want to eat our noses?

Pearl: So that we can’t tell when they’re coming nor can we find our food sources. I swear you are not very bright.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s just a pile of leaves. If it will make you feel better I will go out and rake them.

Pearl: NOOOOOOOOOOO! You will release the undead squirrels!

Me: OK, fine. I will put you on a leash and walk you over to the leaves so that you can see they are not dangerous.

Pearl: ***Goes outside. Sniffs leaves*** Ok, they have left their cover. We are safe for the time being. You can stop worrying now.

Me: Gee thanks Pearl. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Pearl: **Barks wildly at acorn that fell from tree.**  OH MY DAWG! They’re in the trees now! We’re being bombed!

Me: But it’s just and acorn.

Pearl: JUST AN ACORN? It’s a freaking bomb!

Me: Ok Pearl, I need a nap. You are wearing me out.

Pearl: Nap? Did you say nap? Well….I guess the apocalypse can wait until after nap time. Then we will resume our security detail.

Me: Ahem….Of course we will.

15 thoughts on “Security Detail

      1. Jim

        I forgot to add that we have one of those same critters and she does the same things. Nice to know what’s going on in her head.

  1. mewhoami

    As I was reading this, I was thinking that that’s probably exactly the way a dog thinks. We wonder why they bark over the silliest of things, when in fact there’s a very good explanation behind it. An impending squirrel attack!

  2. Aussa Lorens

    Ha! I’m pretty sure that Pearl and my Zola would get along fabulously– I hung a bird feeder on the back porch this summer… endless hours of entertainment and exercise for my special little (100lb) dog…


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