Me: I don’t see an emergency. I don’t see anything unusual.
Pearl: It’s because you are human and ill equipped to recognize these things.
Me: I am not going to let you run around the front yard. You might run into the road and get hit by a car.
Pearl: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! Do you see those leaves right there? There is something very dangerous going on in those leaves.
Me: Seriously? You’re worried about leaves.
Pearl: NO! I am not worried about the leaves. They are simply a cover for the squirrel apocalypse.
Pearl: THE SQUIRREL APOCALYPSE! Don’t you keep up with the pee mail? The undead squirrels are uniting to come in and eat our noses.
Me: Why would undead squirrels want to eat our noses?
Pearl: So that we can’t tell when they’re coming nor can we find our food sources. I swear you are not very bright.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s just a pile of leaves. If it will make you feel better I will go out and rake them.
Pearl: NOOOOOOOOOOO! You will release the undead squirrels!
Me: OK, fine. I will put you on a leash and walk you over to the leaves so that you can see they are not dangerous.
Pearl: ***Goes outside. Sniffs leaves*** Ok, they have left their cover. We are safe for the time being. You can stop worrying now.
Me: Gee thanks Pearl. I don’t know what I would do without you.
Pearl: **Barks wildly at acorn that fell from tree.** OH MY DAWG! They’re in the trees now! We’re being bombed!
Me: But it’s just and acorn.
Pearl: JUST AN ACORN? It’s a freaking bomb!
Me: Ok Pearl, I need a nap. You are wearing me out.
Pearl: Nap? Did you say nap? Well….I guess the apocalypse can wait until after nap time. Then we will resume our security detail.
Me: Ahem….Of course we will.