I’m so thoughtful I amaze myself

jazz funeral

Eulogies are so hard. I’ve decided to write my own to spare my family the trouble. Sure, anybody can have a preacher throw some scriptures around while folks mournfully show their respects. I just don’t think this kind of funeral is going to work for me. I’m going to haunt any minister that tries to preach folks into heaven at my funeral. I’ll have none of that nonsense! The purpose of this day is to remember me and the impact I had on your life not your own wellbeing. So stop being selfish and take this somber time to reflect on the times we had together.

So, here lies Deanna in a simple pine box. Yeah, we all know she was too cheap to spring for the 20 gauge, solid bronze, plush lined model. A casket is kind of like a wedding dress. Folks are only going to see it once. What’s the point in springing for the fancy one? It’s not like the critters below ground care what kind of seal their squirming through.  Besides, this way is much more fun. Deanna has requested that all mourners please sign a farewell onto her lovely pine box with the sharpie on a chain that has been attached. (She was afraid some of you would try to steal the sharpie. Tsk, tsk..)  Think of it like signing a cast but this one is for eternity. Maybe if Saint Peter sees the well wishes of a few upstanding citizens he might go easier on her.

Deanna was a great woman born of exceptional stock. Ok fine, her bloodlines were closer to a mixed breed mutt but she had exceptional aspirations. She birthed herself on a fine Saturday morning while her shocked mother was still trying to explain to some German ambulance drivers the urgency of the situation. She hit the ground running and her first job was to calm down the Ninnies who had no idea what a great organizer she was.

Much of her youth was wasted as she spent time explaining her superior knowledge of all things to those who insisted on “raising” her. This wonderful trait would later be determined as “bossy” behavior by the less knowledgeable minions.

Deanna used her organizing super power to gather family close during the holidays much to their dismay. They simply did not know how much they needed to spend time together and might have blindly wandered through life with mediocre holiday dinners had she not interfered.

Deanna did not attend college as she was born fabulous and adding to that would just be extravagance. She enjoyed assembling people that earned quadruple her salary and convincing them to follow her outline for work procedures. It has been noted that someone may have been smacked with a ruler for misaligning her files.

In her later years Deanna published the antics of her family and friends on a public blog for the world’s viewing pleasure. If you were the subject of one of her posts you may thank her for exposing your idiocy now.

The rest of her life was spent spreading her love while riding a unicorn through life’s adventures. With cape flapping in the breeze she traipsed along leaving happiness in her wake. (Some of these adventures may or may not have been pharmaceutically induced. Only her shrink knows for sure.)

At this time I would like to ask the Jazz Troup to strike up a rousing round of “When the Saints Go Marching In” as we all march across the grounds and lift Deanna’s spirit to the heavens where our mighty maker lies in wait of his newest problem child foal.


11 thoughts on “I’m so thoughtful I amaze myself

  1. mewhoami

    This is the greatest eulogy yet. You’re right that no one is ever going to see the casket again, so why go fancy on it? It’s not like you can rent one, so the cheaper the better. You had me cracking up with your prescription drug induced behaviors. Those can be entertaining for both us and our bystanders.

  2. glo

    why don’t you just plan to have a funeral service while you are still alive so you can hear what everybody has to say about you. That might be the only time you hear good things about yourself and if they have something wrong you are there to correct them. Now I don’t want any fancy casket either. I think that is one of the biggest rip off’s but I am going cheaper than you cause I am going to be cremated.

  3. Pingback: Epitaphs for the slightly deranged | mostlytrueramblings

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