Ok, you’ve all see the “I’m so thankful for..” posts on Facebook. They go on the entire month of November and seem to get more nauseating as the month wears on. I’m feeling a bit snarky about people who are thankful for their perfect little lives and their perfect little children. I don’t have children so BITE ME!
Anywho, I thought I might sum up my thankfulness in one big post so you don’t have to vomit a little each day.
- I’m thankful for indoor plumbing. Have you ever tried to poop in an outhouse? You just know a vicious spider is lying in wait to leave a black boil on your butt.
- I’m thankful for modern pharmaceuticals. I’d be in prison if it weren’t for valium.
- I am thankful for fences. They keep the neighbors at bay.
- I am thankful for speaker phones. Sometimes you just need to set the phone down and periodically insert an “uh huh” to keep a conversation going.
- I’m thankful for chocolate. Think about this one. Do you really want to hang out with a menstruating woman without chocolate? I think not.
- I’m thankful for locks. Ok, so this one doesn’t make any sense. Have you ever seen a criminal who stopped and said “Oh shucky darn. They have a lock on the door. I can’t get in to murder or rob anyone.”
- I’m thankful for middle fingers. How else can you tell a complete stranger of any nationality that you are displeased with them?
- I’m thankful for Bic Razors. Otherwise my legs could be used as lethal weapons of mass destruction.
- I’m thankful for judgmental scripture throwers. Who better to remind you when you’re being a condescending ass?
- Ok, for real. I’m thankful for my family and friends. You can vomit now but I’m kind of fond of you idiots.