Where is the denim skirt clause in the bible? There has to be one. Why else would all those women choose to wear them? It’s not because they’re pretty or comfortable. People do some strange things in the name of religion. Don’t try to make sense of it because there is no logic there.
The strangest churches I ever attended were the “Full Holiness” or “Pentecostal”. Those people are freaky. As a teenager they scared the hell out of me. Apparently certain ones of them can see the evil in you and will start trying to cast it out of you if you’ll just come to the alter. First they have to put some olive oil on your head. I’m not sure how this scares the devil but it does make your skin and hair soft. Then someone grabs you as if you were trying to escape and begins to speak gibberish. There is lots of yelling and sweating. Casting out demons requires much spitting as you expel the holy words that sound a bit Chinese. If you think “The Exorcist” is scary try attending one of these churches.
Looking back I don’t know why I didn’t run away screaming. The whole thing is just bizarre. The preacher yells at you first so you know just how evil you are. He spends approximately one hour pointing out your faults and making you feel guilty. He’ll inform you of how unworthy you are as you sit in your pew trying to remember what you did that was so horrible. When he is done yelling at everyone the pianist will play a somber tune so you can confess your evil doings. The preacher and the deacons can see your evil aura and begin intimidating you into walking down the aisle. Whatever you do DO NOT go down that aisle! Sitting in the pew is pretty darn scary too. The people that God favors start chanting in an unknown language. Their hands are raised in the air as if they are trying to grab something. Maybe they just have a question and are trying to get Mr. Screaming Preacher to answer it.
During somber tune time you can be healed of any physical ailment. No need to go to the doctor. Just head on down that aisle. They’ll put oil on your head and pray for your healing. If you believe then you will be healed. If you are not healed it is because you did not believe enough and are therefore exhibiting your evil again. You’re going to need more yelling at.
Had don di, Econ di, El Shaddi – that’s what he used to say when he was speaking in tongues. Please forgive me if I have spelled it wrong but I do not know this language. I never could speak in this tongue nor could I understand it because I was too evil. You can’t get filled with the Holy Ghost unless you’re pretty darn near perfect. I’m not sure why you want a ghost to get inside you but this is the ultimate goal at these functions.
In one particular church the older women get the ghost inside them every Sunday. They would begin their chantings while flailing their arms about and sprinting around the church. Then when the Holy Ghost got in them they would pass out in the floor. The first time I saw this one of the women hit her head on the corner of the pew on the way down. Knocked her out cold but no one was concerned. Since she had the Holy Ghost it couldn’t cause permanent damage. I thought about sticking a mirror under her nose just in case but I would have to walk down that aisle to get to her and that just wasn’t going to happen. People were stepping over her to get to the alter. The service went on as usual while I’m shaking in my pew because I’m pretty sure she’s dead.
I think I’ll skip the haunted house this year and just go to church. They’ll scare the hell out of you for free and when they follow you to the parking lot you’ll run away screaming even if they don’t have a chainsaw in their hands.