Inflate your penis with these magical pills.

Well, heck yeah! I can’t believe you took so long to send me this email. Where do I sign up? Oh, I need a penis? Shucks, we were so close.

Who is the guy that clicks on these emails? You know someone does or they wouldn’t continue to send them out. Someone out there has ordered penis enlargement pills. Now I’m a little scared. What if it’s my neighbor? What if it’s the guy in Wal-Mart wearing the cape? What if I get the buggy he used? YOU KNOW HE DOESN’T WASH HIS HANDS!

What if it’s the creepy cashier? He’s touching all my stuff. Would it be rude to ask “By the way, are you the penis enlargement guy?” What if he says yes? Where do we go from here? Now I can’t look at the creepy cashier anymore. I feel like I should stand at the end of his aisle and shoo away old ladies. “Um, Ma’am please use a different cashier. This is the creepy penis enlargement guy.” Great, now he’s going to get fired because of his enlarged penis and he won’t be able to buy anymore pills. How do I live with the guilt knowing I am the one who exposed him?

No, I think I’ll just go to another line now. It didn’t take that long to gather all of these groceries. I can go back and get more. I think I’ll yell an apology to him from the other line. “HEY, I’M SORRY ABOUT THE WHOLE PENIS THING!”

And that is how spam emails got me thrown out of Wal-Mart.

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