Don’t be hatin’


I know you’re shocked and amazed but I have won the Self-Recognition award. This award is awarded by myself for my sheer awesomeness. No one else could every possibly receive this award because I am quite fond of myself and know my talents well. How can you compete with that? My list of achievements is outstanding. I even amaze myself. My opinions are set in stone because I am always right. Do you think it is easy to be right all the time? It’s the burden I bear.

I once thought I was wrong on June 3, 1976 but I was not. Lions should definitely be colored purple.  There also was that time that I crushed my brother’s model cars but that turned out to be his fault for leaving them in an area that I may wish to walk. Silly boy.

Throughout my 20’s there were times that I almost thought I was wrong but again it turns out that I was not. I once threw a clipboard at the Plant Manager of a factory I was working in. One might think that hurling things at the big boss is a mistake but clearly he was a moron and needed me to call that to his attention. Then there was my first marriage when I thought I could change a man into being what I wanted. Obviously that was his fault for not realizing the man that he could potentially be.  He could have been ideal for me had he only done everything that I required. Silly, silly man.

In my 30’s I completely quit questioning my awesomeness. By then I had determined that I am always right and there is no need to ever question that.

I have now reached my 40’s and I fear that people may be a little intimidated with my perfection. I am 30 pounds heavier now but big butts are all the rage. Don’t be jealous because your scrawny butt is all sharp edges with no cushion.

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21 thoughts on “Don’t be hatin’

      1. snoogiefisk Post author

        My Mother actually believed it was a real award. She sent me a text saying ” Oh Excuse me. You were so convincing” when I told her it was a joke.

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