Me: Pearl, I need to talk to you about how much time you’ve been spending with Mattie.
Pearl: What’s wrong with me hanging out with Mattie pray tell? In case you haven’t noticed, we grew up together.
Me: Mattie is a cat and she is trying to get you to do cat things.
Pearl: MATTIE IS NOT A CAT! HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH CRUEL THINGS? I HATE CATS!
Me: Pearl, have you ever noticed that Mattie speaks a different language than you.
Pearl: I can’t believe you are going to make fun of her speech impediment! Next thing you know you’ll want to go out and poke handicap children!
Me: Why won’t you spend some time with Jasper? He is a Chihuahua you know.
Pearl: Jasper is old, his breath stinks and he’s a boy with cooties!
Me: Couldn’t you just give him a try?
Pearl: Why? What has he ever done for me? Mattie gets peppermints out of the jar on the table and drops them on the floor for me. Now that is a real friend.
Me: Pearl! You should not be eating peppermints! They are full of sugar!
Pearl: Really? You’re going to tell me how to eat healthy? I saw all those tacos you ate last night.
Me: Pearl, this is not about me! Remember, we are talking about all the time you spend with Mattie.
Pearl: Oh sure, try to change the subject when you get uncomfortable. I’m so ashamed of my human.
Me: Look, could you just stop howling every time your food bowl is half full?
Pearl: **stomps front paws** But Mattie says if I don’t sing the song of my people then you will let us starve to death!
Me: Pearl, you are an eight pound Chihuahua. The vet says you should never weigh more than six pounds.
Pearl: Seriously, do YOU really want to talk about weight now????