Nobody said it was going to be easy….

Watkins

Do you ever scream inside your head so loud your stomach hurts and you grit your teeth? No, Ok….me neither….. Carry on. Forget I mentioned it.

My head is just spinning today. My Aunt Shirley took her last breath on this earth yesterday. It’s so hard to watch your families dwindle. I understand the circle of life but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I can only speak from my own perspective as everyone sees things differently but I find no rhyme or reason to the length of some lives. There is an old Native American belief that you will stay on this earth until you have completed what you were sent here to do. There are those that seem to be so very full of life and living it to its grandest that are taken in the middle of all that action. Then there are those who live to their 80’s mean as snakes and stubborn as mules and I wonder if God doesn’t just say “Oh never mind. They are never going to get this right.”

There are those who spend years physically ill and suffering. What purpose could this possibly serve? Why must they be tormented? Is there a lesson being learned here, is it a result of the poor care we took of our own flesh or is it just a weak body resulting from genetics?

And then there is dementia. That ugly world that takes their minds but leaves their bodies to be tended. The biggest problem is that you can’t convince them that they have dementia so everyday living is a constant battle. Try to find a purpose in that one! Is it to torment the living? Dementia patients are not living. They exist in a world that is new every day. Not even remembering that they cussed you out yesterday. You call them on the phone and they have no idea who you are. It’s a very cruel existence.

I know, the answer is not mine to know. Not yet anyway.

Watkins2

My mind remembers my Aunts and Uncles as I saw them as a child. People doing the best they could with what they had to work with. Well, most of them anyway. Now I am joining the ranks of the older generation. It’s unreal to me.

So, how do we endure? Numbing, it’s what all people do to hide from pain. We just use different methods. Drugs, alcohol, food, television, music and yes, even  cleaning. We will do anything to make it go away. You can’t wipe it away with a dust rag or eat it into oblivion. When you sober up there it sits, staring you in the face. Mocking you and causing that incessant screaming in your head. So you go to church. You pray about it. You talk about it. You think about it. Yep, you just keep it there hovering over you because you can’t let it go. The old folks used to say “Give it to God”. Maybe they had a very good point. Let it go. Kick that sucker to the curb and move on. You know,♪ “Gonna lay all of my burdens, down by the riverside…”♪Yep, I’m going to leave them there. Right there, down by the riverside. Nope, not going to pick them up again. This is me, leaving them there. I am walking away. Walking away. Not going to turn around and look. Nope, letting that stuff go.

Dang it!

2 thoughts on “Nobody said it was going to be easy….

  1. Ramblings Mom

    Wow Deanna, dang gurl you are good! Are u sure someone did not slip a different baby in on me. This is not your mother or daddy with conversations like this. Must be a throw back to a different person. Probably Aunt Bessie (on daddy’s side and she was a hoot). I had Aunt Bessie on my side and she was a hoot!
    Maybe you have both of them. We will never know.

    Reply

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