Pearl: How come you never take me to the park anymore?
Me: Remember, they put up that sign saying there is a $150 dollar fine for bringing pets to the park.
Pearl: What is a dollar?
Me: Money, currency, it’s what we use to purchase things.
Pearl: Oh, you buy way too much stuff that you don’t even need. Just stop buying that stuff and we can go to the park.
Me: Pearl, you don’t seem to understand. They do not want you at the park because you will poop there. Besides, I need the stuff that I buy.
Pearl: You do not need all that beauty grease you put on your face. Fur is beautiful. Just let the fur grow that I saw on your upper lip then you won’t need all that grease.
Me: I DO NOT HAVE FUR ON MY UPPER LIP!
Pearl: Right, still denying the whole menopausal thing. I forget. I suppose you don’t have night sweats either. You’re probably peeing in the bed to make those pools of liquid.
Me: Pearl, if you want me to take you for a walk then you need to keep in mind that you’ll catch more flies with honey.
Pearl: Flies??? Why would I want flies?? Is this another hormonal thing cause if it is I’m gonna have to trade you in for a younger model. I don’t think an old human can properly see to my needs like walking in the park.
Me: YOU CAN’T WALK IN THE PARK! There is a $150 dollar fine for that!
Pearl: **Stomps front paws** Look, just spend your dollars on chicken. We really don’t need anything but chicken. Then you will have extra dollars left over for the fines at the park!
Me: ** cries into hands** Why didn’t I get a beagle?